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11 November 2012 @ 03:24 am

What if, before we die and our life flashes before our eyes, we get to relive everything. Exactly as it was, except this time you understand every language, every sign, every thought, and every action. Spoken or unspoken, human or animal or plant. You hear it all... and you realize, every living being -you, me, them, it-, we are all searching for the same thing. And you realize, all our fighting, heartache, war, death, destruction, was all causeless. And if we had stopped, and learned the language of the criminal, or the behaviors of the spider, or the motives of the monster under the bed, we would have realized that they were doing exactly what we were- only in their own way- and by stopping them, be it incarceration  death, or a bottle of 'magic' water sprayed over the sheets, we prevented them from reaching that one thing. That thing we all want. And this thing, this mysterious, precious thing, what if it can only be achieved through communication. If you had worked with the criminal, or spider, or the monster, you both could have come closer to it. And we can only get it, by all living things banding together and reaching out for it... but because we do not listen, and we do not speak, and we do not understand we will never get it... and we never know how until its too late?

I have come to the conclusion that all life is meant to be lived in the presence of other life. Living things feed off each other and grow together, and the communities, groups, clusters of life we make up serve to fuel a larger living thing that we will, mostly, remain unaware of.

(This is what I think about while cleaning the rat's cage)

Current Mood: contemplativecontemplative
03 September 2012 @ 08:01 pm
Honey- I know you're just trying to help.
And I appreciate it immensely, being thought about and worried for and all that good shit.
But... Collage and Jobs are two things I really don't want one of my high school classmate's help with...
I want you to be my friend and hang out with me and play dumb video games and go costuming and stuff like that... I want you to distract me from this shit storm that is my future ;w;
I adore you- and you're helping.
but please no <3
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01 August 2012 @ 01:53 am
I don't understand why everyone says that once you graduate high school you have so much freedom. That you get to make so many decisions. That you become an adult. Other then being the legal adult age, I'm still a kid as far as I'm concerned. Every decision I have tried to make for myself, or my future, has been ridiculed or shot down by those I want the support from. MY ideal for collage? Oh that's a waste of money, or too expensive, or stupid because I don't have enough 'drive' to go back to school after a year break. Jobs? Oh they won't heir you.

As far as I've gathered what really makes the decisions for you is either how wealthy you are, or the people around you. Yeah, the second shouldn't be an issue, but having SO MANY look down on you hurts and is too much for me UmU
Current Mood: exhaustedexhausted
23 April 2012 @ 12:01 am
I love the rain~

I love the gray skies, I love the cool, I love thunder and lightening and the sound of dripping. I even like the smell I can only describe as rain.

I like to turn out all the lights and noise, pull open all the blinds, maybe slightly crack a window, and just watch and listen. Truly relaxing.

I especially love that, when it rains, I don't need to water the plants, or take the dog out, or go out and be normal. All the nagging I get from family and friends to move my huge ass from in front of the computer screen and exercise, or interact with other humans melts away. To everyone else, its too miserable to be normal and they all plant their roots on the couch and drown in sweet rerun.

Rain is when the living world, all the humans and animals and things we have rights rallies for, switches places with the inanimate. We hole up and stop moving, when rocks and dirt and plants and the sea and the sky and pavement all begin to move and change and come alive. Rain erodes the rocks and moves them along the racing soil, both cleaning and dirtying the earth around it. The chalk melts away from the driveway, as the car takes a shower on its own accord. Plants and seeds dance and grow and sing, and the waters everywhere bounce and cheer, or rage against the battered shores because the sky is crying. Crying tears of joy and sadness both. It cries for the land, and all the damage and thirst it was forced to withstand while it wasn't watching, and it cries to see everything below celebrate because the sky is there now, and the sky knows it is forgiven.

I love how, if a living, animate being, were to step out into the world during the celebration of rain, there's little they can do other then stand there and get wet. The rain will not stop falling, and any attempt to change the world we once had dominion over will just be flushed away, as if we hadn't done anything at all.

I love how once we regain control over the earth, when we are once again the alive, and the rocks and trees and clouds return to the stillness, everything has changed. The smells, the sounds, the order of every object in your yard is different then it was before the storm. I love that, even if you return them to how they once where, come next rain, they will have changed all over again.
Current Mood: calmcalm
19 March 2012 @ 01:20 am
WHY am I so... shy?
Not even legitimately shy! If someone where to approach me, face to face, and start talking I would have no problem being friendly and conversational. Its once you put me behind a computer monitor I just- CAN'T.
I'm computer shy.
I FAIL at starting internet conversations and the like. I freak the fuck out before commenting on things, I have trouble responding to messages, and its kinda a miracle if I do anything but silently stalk someone on the web.
Its weird. Most people find their voice in the keyboard...and, reading whats coming out here, I am quite eloquent in my typing... more so then in my speech. So, whats my problem?!
There are people I want to talk to, and groups I want to join, and so many conversations I want to have, but I just.... CAN'T! WHAT'S STOPPING ME?
Maybe its that I know I never finish things, or abandon accounts at random times for long intervals. Or maybe I know that whats written, can't be erased from the web, and that even if you think its blocked, the entire world can see it if they want.
Then whats not stopping me now?
Can I post this because I'm convinced no one will read it even if its out there? Wouldn't it be better if they did?

Okay. So the spark for this entry is a group of absolutely /amazing/ artists on Tegaki-E. They're nice, witty, and are (or were, it seems to have been a while since they last updated) in all kinds of groups that I could role play with them in and interact. Its so /easy/ to start up a conversation there, and they are all such nice, carefree people. Why can't I get myself to do it?!
Its not my art, I'm excellent! I need to brush up on using my tablet again but, that's nothing... and I have talked to them, with WORDS, once over Skype... so, they are indeed open to meeting me... I cannot envision anything going wrong (I'm real good at that BTW) as far as making friends goes. The worst is I have another TE blackout, but if I had encouragement to post, of any kind, it would keep me going.


RRRRUGHHHHHH- I want to be a part of that /so bad/. Even if just a small one. So why can't I move? Is that what it is to be shy?
09 February 2012 @ 02:59 am
I'm a vampire, I awake at midnight and sleep before most have returned from work.

I have been battling insomnia since... what? Age thirteen? Yeah. Anyway, my doctor refuses to help me with this issue, and even went as far as to lecture my mother about being a bad parent for something we simply can no longer control. Prior to recently, I have been able to control it. I slept when I could and pushed myself all the while I was without sleep. It seems however, that after five years of living in a sleep deprived state I have reached my limit. I just CAN'T any more. I've been missing school, neglecting my friends, pets, and self, and have been spiraling into a maddening depression because I just CAN'T FUCKING SLEEP.

Anyway, we went to our family doctor, and We twisted her thin, cold, talons and manged to squeeze three sleeping pills from her. (Not three different prescriptions, oh no. Three pills, as in three nights worth, of one prescription.) Despite years worth of reservations, I tried it out last night, and slept even less then I usually do (as in, not at all).

We no longer know what to do.

Remember, I have been fighting this for YEARS. We have tried damn near everything. Its hurting my grades and threatening my graduation from high school.

Schedules, diets, herbal remedies, and now pills, they all FAILED. So, I have decided to no longer fight it.

Last night I didn't sleep, then proceeded to go to school successful. I fell asleep the minute I returned home and am now, at three o-clock in the morning, wide awake. So here is my plan:

AS it seems I cannot sleep at night, that is my awake time. From midnight to about four AM will be my morning. 'Day' is from 4 to noon; this is when I will do normal people things and take care of myself and the pets, do homework, ect... 'Evening' will be noon to when I get back from school. By then I should be thoroughly exhausted and be able to sleep. Meals happen whenever I'm hungry.

Come summer I will have the time to properly readjust my clock and return to the average human life style. Until then I shall be a creature of the night~

ALSO ALSO: I'm on a crazy huge Alice in Wonderland kick :3 If you happen to be one of the stray people who ends up reading this, and you have wonderland goodness to share, please do!
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Current Mood: awake
Current Music: C'mon - Panic at the Disco! and Fun
09 January 2012 @ 07:59 pm
Do you have a best friend? How old is your friendship?

(The image for this is ADORABLE)
12 1/2 (which, considering there were only 5 years in both of our lives we didn't know each other- I think its impressive) years is how long I've known my best friend. Even after multiple moves have pulled us farther and farther apart distance wise we have only been growing closer and closer in each others' hearts UwU
12 December 2011 @ 03:49 pm
-is like a clique of the video game world.

A really bitchy one that, no matter how much you WANT to be a part of it, you CAN'T if you don't have money for a touch screen device ;M;

Current Mood: sadsad
05 November 2011 @ 02:31 am


01 September 2011 @ 05:02 am
More like 'Le FUCK YOU ALL' but whatevah.

I didn't want to start out my 'new' LiveJournal with a rant, but think I think qualifies.

Just now I reported a Tumblr blog for bashing an artist I watch on Tegaki. Now, its not that shes a friend or anything- its just... so cruel. Really, I don't even fucking know the girl, but as I was scrolling down and reading posts and my stomach flipped, multiple times.

How can people be so blindly hurtful!? I ask this so often, dear god. Countless Tumblr blogs dedicated to bashing people- either because of their art or their looks or- I don't even know any more. Oh look- there are some on here too? What even?! How do you people feel when someone DIES because of this shit? No- even if they don't die, just knowing that someone was hurt would be enough to drive me half insane.

Lets see- Oh here! There's an infamous cosplayer on the web that I happened to be sent some pictures of by a friend. At first I laughed- thinking it was a joke, but as I traced the pictures to their source and found out that the person in them was seriously trying to enjoy cosplay I became disgusted in myself. It still bothers me that I bashed someone, who was trying their hardest despite physical deformity, just to get a kick with my friends.

AND THAT'S WITH NO WAY OF THIS PERSON FINDING OUT. I lost my shit for the sake of a complete stranger who will never be any wiser to what was said.

I can never take something I know someone worked hard on, or enjoy, or anything that gives someone happiness and ruin it. YES, I disagree with some peoples views and styles and shit like that. And YES I will offer criticism. BUT NEVER- FUCKING NEVER- will I try to hurt. Even at its worst, all I can do is look away.

I don't see how other people can lack a conscience and still call themselves human (or maybe that's where I'm wrong? Maybe I'M the inhuman one~ hehe).

Hell, I'm having issues with one of the closest people to me. Slowly said person is clambering up on the hate wagon with everyone else. They'll say they're going to 'rant' about someone, then bash them the fuck down. It's scary.

It's scary because its behind their back. Never before have I seen the term 'two faced' personified so perfectly.

I have trust issues, years of bullying and abuse (to which I was completely blind to) has left me cynical and paranoid perhaps, but I can't shake the feeling its me she's talking about when I'm not there.

But it also makes me wonder if she's one of those annons on that fucking blog. I just have to pray shes not...

Anyway. Bullying and bashing and people who have no conscience = the second worst thing in the world, the first being hypocrisy. And that's a rant for later.

So, yeah.
FUCK: http://rinardefart.tumblr.com/
SCREW: http://tegakiesnark.livejournal.com/

Le sigh once more- Jerks exist, yahyahyah, people just do things, yahyahyah, I'm fuckin' allowed to be pissed alright >:T so no need to console me here~ If you want to comment either agree or try to give me ONE VALID FUCKIN' REASON its okay to take someone down for doing something they love.